One of the staples of being in Yeshiva is learning night seder. In Israel, anyone who is really serious about learning, spends at least 2 hours every night in the beis. And the super-serious/motivated guys are there until at least 12 midnight. Of course, there can also be one or two guys who stay up until 3 am and a few 2-4-2 guys, most of whom give up learning by the time they are a year out of yeshiva.
This, for the most part, makes sense. If you decide to spend a year or two engrossed in learning, you should take every opportunity to gain knowledge and learning experience (besides taking some time for your mental health.) Additionally, for those in college, if they have free time at night and they aren't into partying, why not spend more time learning?
However, marriage is a different story. I assume that for most people reading this, marriage is more than a way to have children that comes with free babysitting. Marriage is about building a relationship which includes sharing experiences and responsibilities. As important as Talmud Torah is, I can't imagine that most wives are emotionally satisfied by a relationship chiefly built on supporting Torah. I do not deny there are women who are happy with such a relationship, more power to them, but I think that these women are more the exception than the rule.
But what happens to all those seminary girls who dream of supporting their husband and raising a family? Reality kicks in. Wistfully imagining a life of making dinner while saying tehillim, changing diapers while not saying tehillim, and proudly waiting for your husband to come home from the beis medrash is much easier than practicing it. The truth is, I shouldn't limit this to the kollel sector, the same applies to wives with husbands that work until 6 and then go out to learn for two hours a night; either way it's a difficult routine. At least working husbands have off on Sunday.
So how do we solve this problem? How do we get husbands/ fathers more free time to spend with their kids/wives. How can we get these moms/wives a break and more attention from their husbands? Not every woman wants to start talking about her day at 10 pm. I think the answer is simple: Tell the men to stop learning at night.
Relax, people. I don't mean that working men should have a learning seder and that kollel members shouldn't learn outside of their required sedarim. The solution is simple: Learn in the morning! A person who truly cares about learning but understands the sacrifices that go into raising a family should be willing to suck it up and wake up at 5 am to go learn. This way, time with the wife and kids isn't sacrificed and everyone is happy.
I think it should an obligation for every yeshiva rebbe out there to push their married student to set up their learning this way. It would show true sensitivity and wisdom, the two most important ingredients in giving advice. Obviously, I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I think it would be a good idea for many or most .
Gotta go, I have dishes to wash.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
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9 comments:
Fine. Married guys shouldn't have to suffer through night seder. But single guys do, I assume.
If they want to. Some Yeshivas require night seder, but those who attend know that going in.
I'm surprised there are not a lot of comments on this. A stance like this - against a social norm - would seemingly have caused a plethora of responses.
Oh well. Just not as popular anymore. If only I had a post that upset 17 people...
17 was only the number who called. Who knows how much more widespread irreprable damage was caused. Maybe you need a new angle, anti-establishment just isn't working anymore.
maybe the husbands should just learn with their wives...
I just started a chavrusa at 10:00 at night after everyone is in bed and things are settled down. I think it is irresponsible for any parent to go out and learn so long as the kids are still awake.
Way to go Steg! Quality couple time could also include learning. It doesn't have to be every single night but whatever works for them. Both men and women could use brushing up on halacha, whether it is the ever-practical hilchos Shabbos and kashrus or the seasonal hilchos Yom Tov. (Just I can tell you from experience that hilchos tzitzis is less than enthralling for women who don't wear them.) Alternatively, they could go over the parsha together. If they like mussar/machshava, there are plenty of seforim for them to choose from.
What when the kids are asleep at 8, and the spouses have gone thru their days over dinner? What then? Catch up on Curb? There's only so much time you need each night with your spouse. So instead of going to learn a two hour seder followed by maariv and then shmoozing, why not a one hour seder at night. There can be a compromise where the husband is around to help out with the kids, spend some time with his wife and go learn. Encouraging people to stay home will undoubtedly lead to much wasted time and opportunity.
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