You make the call

The other day I sent a student to the principle for being late and for not wearing the dress code (normally I don't care so much about dress code violations, but this kid needs to be smacked around a bit). He came back really upset (he shakes when he gets mad) and when I approached him, asked me why I had to be "such a fag."

What would you do?

Dirty Comments

The Rebbe's ultimate catch-22: A student makes a very inappropriate comment. Not a straightforward dirty comment, but one of those innuendo types (I am resisting making Adam Sandler references). All the students get a good laugh, you can't, and it's usually pretty obvious just from the reaction that a dirty comment was made.

However, now you are a stuck. If you let it go, you start a really bad trend. The students now think they can say anything as long as they couch it in non-sexual terms. Besides being completely antithetical to a Torah-learning atmosphere, this creates a perceived lack-of-control on the teacher's part, which is the worst dynamic a classroom can have.

On the other hand, if you call the kid out on it, one of two things will happen:

1) You don't admit to understanding the comment, but attempt to enforce discipline based on reaction alone. If this happens, the student will deny saying anything inappropriate and you will get into one of these stupid "yes- you-did," "no-I-didn't; I said truck" power struggles which are never beneficial.

2) You admit to understanding the comment (you don't have to explain it). If this happens, you are automatically pegged as Rebbe-with-a-dirty-mind, a stigma that will stick with you for a while. This is obviously not a good thing, unless you can convince the school that having a dirty mind is part of Torah u' Madda and then maybe they will promote you.


Here's what I do: The first time it happens I make the following announcement: I want you guys to know that I have been alive a little longer than you have. I was also once in high school. I have heard all the inappropriate comments (Excuse for understanding the innuendos) and I know one when I hear one. (Control problem solved). If I even think you are making an inappropriate comment, I will mark you down (yes, they care when I mark them down). Don't argue with me and say (mocking voice) 'but Rabbi, I said duck!' I don't care. If I think you said it, you said it, so watch what you say (power-struggle problem solved)."

I also think that a major key here is communication. As long as things are left unsaid, students have free reign to interpret and distort and mock as they see fit. So if I never say anything, they can start with the "Rabbi you have a dirty mind" comments which can really be damaging to the atmosphere even if everybody knows that it isn't true. But if I am completely honest, they will almost always ease up b/c a) they respect honesty and b) there are no vague facts to be distorted as used as weapons; it's all out there.

You think I'm doing the right thing? Please keep the comments clean.

You can't make this stuff up

Today I gave a Chumash test. Obviously, I had the students sit apart from each other so they don't cheat. One of my students walked in 10 minutes late and went to sit at his desk. However, his desk was way too close to another student. I said, "Oriel, please don't sit there," thinking it is obvious why I am asking him to move. He responded, without an ounce of intended humor or sarcasm, "Why? Did somebody fart?"

Don't Call it a Comeback

...I've been here for years. Or at least a few months.

Sorry for all those who have been expected a little more blogging from me this year. Life has been kinda hectic lately, and I have had zero time to blog. I will hopefully have some more free time in the next few months, so I'll see what I can do.

Night Seder, Night Seder (you don't have to do it)

One of the staples of being in Yeshiva is learning night seder. In Israel, anyone who is really serious about learning, spends at least 2 hours every night in the beis. And the super-serious/motivated guys are there until at least 12 midnight. Of course, there can also be one or two guys who stay up until 3 am and a few 2-4-2 guys, most of whom give up learning by the time they are a year out of yeshiva.

This, for the most part, makes sense. If you decide to spend a year or two engrossed in learning, you should take every opportunity to gain knowledge and learning experience (besides taking some time for your mental health.) Additionally, for those in college, if they have free time at night and they aren't into partying, why not spend more time learning?

However, marriage is a different story. I assume that for most people reading this, marriage is more than a way to have children that comes with free babysitting. Marriage is about building a relationship which includes sharing experiences and responsibilities. As important as Talmud Torah is, I can't imagine that most wives are emotionally satisfied by a relationship chiefly built on supporting Torah. I do not deny there are women who are happy with such a relationship, more power to them, but I think that these women are more the exception than the rule.

But what happens to all those seminary girls who dream of supporting their husband and raising a family? Reality kicks in. Wistfully imagining a life of making dinner while saying tehillim, changing diapers while not saying tehillim, and proudly waiting for your husband to come home from the beis medrash is much easier than practicing it. The truth is, I shouldn't limit this to the kollel sector, the same applies to wives with husbands that work until 6 and then go out to learn for two hours a night; either way it's a difficult routine. At least working husbands have off on Sunday.

So how do we solve this problem? How do we get husbands/ fathers more free time to spend with their kids/wives. How can we get these moms/wives a break and more attention from their husbands? Not every woman wants to start talking about her day at 10 pm. I think the answer is simple: Tell the men to stop learning at night.

Relax, people. I don't mean that working men should have a learning seder and that kollel members shouldn't learn outside of their required sedarim. The solution is simple: Learn in the morning! A person who truly cares about learning but understands the sacrifices that go into raising a family should be willing to suck it up and wake up at 5 am to go learn. This way, time with the wife and kids isn't sacrificed and everyone is happy.

I think it should an obligation for every yeshiva rebbe out there to push their married student to set up their learning this way. It would show true sensitivity and wisdom, the two most important ingredients in giving advice. Obviously, I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I think it would be a good idea for many or most .

Gotta go, I have dishes to wash.

Why did we have vacation again?

Over yom tov, I was talking to a parent whose children are currently in school and he asked me the following: Why is it that most schools have no school over Chol Hamoed Succos? Even if you will claim that the reason is a halachik problem with writing on Chol HaMoed, it should still be a great opportunity for students to bond with their teachers and rebbeim through informal educational activities.

I had no answer because I think he is correct. The only issue is that many families go away for Succos. So, too bad. Either don't go away, or go away and your kids will miss school. And if you are concerned that it is waste of school days, so add three days to the calendar; make it 183 instead of 180.

I wonder how many teachers would accept such a proposition. In my few years teaching, I have come across way too many teachers who look for any way to get out of teaching and treat their jobs as burden as opposed to a calling. This is not to say that I am not guilty of this myself at times. I am usually happy when it snows or when an assembly pops up out of nowhere.

However, this topic does bring up the issue of how dedicated our teachers are to educating our kids, as opposed to teaching as a way to supplement their pulpit salary, monthly stipend from their in-laws, or pension from the department of education. This is a touchy question, and one whose answer might disappoint many people.

Mussar from Music Part I: Build a Little Succah in your Soul

I started this new "segment" of shiur called Mussar from Music. My point is to find messages in popular (and not so popular) songs that are in sync with Jewish values and to use the song as a starting point for the discussion. Sometimes the connection is real, and sometimes a line in the song may remind me of something. I like this idea because it shows how Jewish values can be universal, because kids will listen more if it's the source is not "some sefer" or "some rabbi," and because it just gets them focused. I'll tell you how it goes each week. Here is installment
number 1:

I'm not sure how many people are familiar with the band They Might Be Giants, but if you are, you may know the song Birdhouse in your Soul. The song itself is a quirky ode to a nightlight which may or may not have deeper connotations. Either way, the chorus goes as follows:

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Here's the lesson:

Besides the proximity in time, there is a thematic connection between Yom Kippur and Succos. The Alshich and Gr"a both explain that the Succah is representative of the Mishkan, as well as the Succos/Ananei Hakavod. In fact the the Ananei Hakavod were also used as a sign that
G-d accepted the Mishkan by placing his cloud over it. The connection to Yom Kippur is that the Mishkan was what the Jews built to finalize their forgiveness from G-d (which was granted on the tenth of Tishrei). This "house for G-d" reestablished the Jews-Lord relationship.

Very nice. But what is the concept of a "house for G-d?"

My first reaction is that a house is confining. It seems as if we are restricting G-d to one place or saying that his presence can only be felt in a limited way. The truth is that I think this is what we are trying to do. I'll explain.

In general, we can categorize our requirement to follow in G-d's ways (no, I will not try to sound smart and use the Latin phrase) in two ways:

1. Constantly (or as constantly as possible) having in mind that G-d is watching us and with us, and therefore trying to direct our actions to be as "spiritual" as possible. In this case, there is a constant need to be focused on G-d, and relationship is defined in terms of how consistently we are cognizant of G-d.

2. Realizing the our actions should be driven by what is right and good and realizing that the requirement do right and good is a function of G-d's will in this world. Then, going out and doing the right thing. In this case, constant awareness is not required, and relationship is defined in terms of what our overall focus is.

I do believe that everyone should incorporate bit of the first way of doing things and that there are people who belong in the first category. However, I believe the lesson of Mishkan is that we aren't required to have a constant reminder of G-d being with us. We just need a place (whether physically or mentally) that we can go and be reminded of our goals whenever we need.

I think that this idea can be proven from the Gemara in Shabbos. The Gemara discusses the passuk zeh keili v'anveihu, which is generally translated, "this is my G-d and I will glorify him." However, the literal translation is "this is my G-d, and I will make him a place" (from the word n'vei). And how does the Gemara suggest we "make G-d a place?" The Gemara continues: Just as He is merciful, you should be merciful etc...

At first glance this may be shocking. We make a place for G-d in our lives by being nice? Why not by constantly saying tehillim or by eating only bread and water? But that's exactly the point. We realize what is good from what G-d does, and we go out and do it. We make G-d our starting point, the basis for everything, but not the subject of our every thought and action (man this is starting to sound like k'fira).

The Mishkan teaches us that to properly incorporate teshuva into our lives, we just need to create a little birdhouse in our soul for G-d. A simple source of inspiration to tap into from time to time. Not every day must be Yom Kippur, and not moment must be like Ne'ila. We can show that G-d is constantly with us by being compassionate, understanding, and by trying to make a difference. Again, we do need a more direct and intense experience from time to time (we actually should be getting such an experience when davening daily) to keep us inspired, but our actions, not our thoughts, should do the talking.

A great move

I figured this one out yesterday:

If you are having problems with kids acting up during Shmoneh Esrei, keep the air conditioning at full blast right up until Shmoneh Esrei begins. Then, as it begins, turn the A/C off. The room will seem so eerily quiet, that the students will feel strange making noise. It actually works.

Slichos for Non-Majors Part II: An Opportunity for Communication

Recently, we discussed making things easier for our students by lowering our expectations. The point was raised (and strongly argued in the comments) that this runs the risk of creating an impression that condones taking the easy way out. By easing up on our students we may be teaching them to cut-corners in religion and to place religion lower on their list of priorities.

Although I do share this concern, I believe that one simple thing can override most of the problem: communication. There is a huge difference between saying, "we are going to skip most of slichos today," and saying "We understand that slichos is difficult and hard to appreciate. Therefore, we are going to skip a few. However, we are doing this so that in the future you will be able to say these and more, not because we believe slichos to be unimportant. Also, since we are skipping, the slichos we say will be said a bit slower. This is so that you can have time to say each one properly. Please take advantage of the extra time and the English translation to say slichos in a meaningful way."

As teachers and parents, it is important that we communicate the reasons for our directives along with the directives themselves. It helps our students and children more a part of our decison and opens the lines for honest communication. Additionally, it gives our decisions a certain amount of authenticity as opposed being done "because you hate me," or "becasue you want to make my life hard.

A recent example from class: I was trying to get my students to quiet down with the threat of giving extra homework or something like that (I can't remember). If I would have said "The next person who talks will have extra homework," I would have created a contentious environment of me vs. them. It then becomes a contest of who can test my limits and see if I will really stand behind my word, or who can disrupt the most without talking.

Instead I said something like "Listen guys, I'm trying to do my job and teach you. When you disrupt, it makes my job difficult, and makes me frustrated. So, I have no choice to to threaten you because I need to get my job done. I assume you would do the same if you were in my position. Therefore, the next person who disrupts will get extra homework. Sorry."

It may only be in my imagination, but I think when I approach the students in this way, I get much better results. This can also be applied to disciplining your children at home and making rules. If you explain your rationale, you have a much better chance of getting your children to (begrudgingly) accept the limits and consequences you place on them. Obviously, there are many situations where they just won't understand your thought process, but just the appearance of being open and honest should have a positive effect.

I had nothing to do with this (really):

Yesterday, it was decided (with input of other Rebbeim) that we are going to have an abridged-slichos minyan for a certain group of students. I promise the idea was not mine, but I bet you can guess what my vote was.

Slichos for Non-Majors: Part I

Last year there was a (quasi-respectful) debate among two of the Rebbeim regarding how to approach slichos at school. Adults have a hard time appreciating slichos and all the more so high school students. Davening is already long and draining enough, and by adding slichos, we are just compounding the disinterest. You can probably figure out what the two sides of the argument were, but I will explain them nonetheless.

One guy obviously wanted to abridge the slichos. Why prolong something that creates such a negative impact, when, by accommodation the students a bit, we can make the experience a positive one, or at least a less negative one. Additionally, we can slow down the recital of each one. This would give the students a little bit of time to possibly reflect on one paragraph, as opposed to rushing through the entire thing.

The other guy argued the opposite. By shortening slichos, we are basically showing the students that slichos aren't so important. They will also get the impression that if things are difficult, they should simply be compromised. Rather, we should say slichos as they are, and for the students that don't like it, too bad. They will be learning a life lesson about dealing with difficult things, and they will see that care enough to take slichos seriously.

The truth is that this debate is one that can be presented for many situations in education. Do we cater to the student, or do we do things "properly?" Are we hurting our students by making things easier, or are we properly dealing with the reality of the situation?

My personal opinion in this case is to shorten the slichos. We have to realize that living a religious life is a process, which, by definition, should be done in steps. We may not always approve of the stage that our student are at, that they are 15 and still don't understand one word of davening. However, we are bound to teach children as is best for them. In terms of academics, I think the issue is different, because it is more results-driven.

My impression is the tension between reality and expectations has created a real problem in Jewish education. I hear way too much derision regarding our students' lifestyles and upbringings, and not enough about how can we educate them properly based on where they are coming from. (This is besides the lack of sensitivity that comes with thinking you can judge what people believe.) Yeshivos have not done enough to mitigate this problem, and I think we are perpetually suffering because of it.

Why not shorten davening? Why not offer more options in the Limmudei Kodesh curriculum? Why not teach things differently? What about more chessed opportunities and hands-on activities? (I mean like teaching kids to write megillas, not finger-painting)

It is time to stop creating our own expectations and begin dealing with reality.

Surviving on Sunday

For all those who are in football pools this year, my good buddy Jonathan just introduced to a great new blog that statistically addresses many of the factors that go into winning a football game. Check it out: survivingonsunday.blogspot.com

Just when you thought it was safe to be optimistic...

I got the following post on my facebook wall from one of my "favorite" students:

"I'm telling you now so you can mentally prepare yourself for me. School starts on Wednesday. Shavua tov."

Let the games begin!

Dum, dadadada, dum dum da-dum: Part II

In our last post (at least the last one that didn't have to be taken down because it upset a bunch of people), we began a discussion regarding proper positive reinforcement. Apparently, most readers were not exactly keen on the idea of using money to motivate students. I just want to recap a little of the discussion and inject a few comments. I'll organize it based on comments.

I think it sends the wrong message to a generation of kids that is already much too materialistic." - SuperRaizy

I think that there is a need for us to distinguish between what we need to do as educators, and what is icing on the cake. When it comes to something like math, our main goal should be to get results. Do the students understand the math? Did the students do well on their Regents? These are the questions we need to answer. Did we instill the importance of fiscal moderation? This is a secondary question which would be nice, but not necessary, to answer in the affirmative.

Obviously we would like to cover all of our bases, but I think in this case, the potential gain in knowledge outweighs the negative message. Especially because we can partially mitigate the message by simply explaining ourselves (a not-common-enough phenomenon).

"Using money as a reward for studying and good behavior negates the most basic lesson...we should strive to develop good midot... because that's what Hashem expects of us and thus that is what we should expect of ourselves." - SuperRaizy

"... it teaches them that learning is not important for its own sake, and it's like any other job." - mother in Israel

The goal in using positive reinforcement is to get a subject to engage in a behavior that is self-reinforcing, and that eventually should obviate the need for reinforcement. For instance, doing well in school is self-reinforcing because it make a child feel good about him/herself. So even if use external resources to get a child to learn, they will also receive the inherent reinforcement of self-confidence and hopefully need only that to motivate. Therefore, the use of external reinforcement is simply a first step in getting students to want to learn on their own.

I think herein lies a distinction between secular studies and Talmud Torah. For both, our goals are to both get students to learn and tune them in to beauty of learning. However, instilling a love of, or at least tolerance for, learning is more crucial for Talmud Torah for two reasons:

First of all, the necessity of lishma is inherent to Talmud Torah and using money would really undermine the process. Although we believe in the concept of m'toch shelo l'shma ba l'shma, there must be a line somewhere.

Secondly, for Talmud Torah to become a self-reinforcing activity is a bit more difficult than for secular studies. The students I have come across will almost always judge their academic success based nearly 100% on their secular studies. Plus, there is the added advantage of secular studies being a key to future success in life (college, job, etc...), that will motivate them a lot more than understanding G-d's will, or however you define the goal of Talmud Torah.

"if there was any seriousness in the suggestion, I believe you have the cart and the horse backwards: the system should be about what it costs the student if he doesn't do what is expected" - ProfK

It's very interesting that the Professor mentioned this, because my good friend Jonathan recently sent me a link to an article (that can be found here) that discusses a study that was done to see the effects of penalized people with fines. The study concluded that when a penalty is introduced, people begin to view it as a fee for dong what they want.v And actually, when a fine was introduced, the negative behavior it was targeting increased. Similarly, in our case, we wouldn't actually be teaching any lessons or even effectively controlling the class. Rather we would be setting up a system where students are provided with the ability to misbehave...for a small fee.

One could argue the same, that by rewarding good behavior or good work we are doing the same. We are telling our students that their behavior and good work is for our sake and that we are willing to pay for it, and it is in their hands to accept that deal or not. However, I think here we can distinguish between rewarding and punishing. A punishment is designed for behaviors that disrupt what a teacher is trying to do, and that is teach. Therefore, a punishment may be viewed as a teacher "desperate" for help, and is a way of bargaining with the students. However, a reward is something that encourages, and therefore is more easily seen as something which is for the students' benefit.

"it would be much better to manage to teach them the value of what they are getting (and some kids in the world aren't) rather than pay them." - ilanadavita

In a perfect world, maybe. But we have to be practical and realize who we are dealing with. Obviously this is a much larger topic which we can discuss at a different time.

"You know what would work? Having girls in their class." - Fearliss

Right up until there I thought you were actually quoting R' Kanievsky. I taught in coed schools for two years and found that it wasn't the case. Immature is immature no matter what the context.

"if you pose a question that you think no one can answer and you offer money to who ever gets it right" - mike in midwood

Funny story: My 3rd grade Rebbe offered 100 bucks for a question that he thought nobody would ever get, and a friend of mine nailed it. He gave him a dollar.

So, is quoting commenters a good way to get people to comment more? Or is it ruining the beauty of commenting? Either way, I'm not paying for it. But I'll offer 100 bucks for anyone who gets the title of the last two posts.